I
find myself wanting to set a few things straight. To put some stakes
in the ground to mark where I stand and what I stand for while I
still have the objectivity that a bit of separation from everyday
life brings. Something to look back on as I continue on this journey.
Some signposts for the way. So here they are, some rough and early
musings that have come up as I've 'gotten back to me'.
Right?
Yeah right.
I've
been known to get it 'wrong'. Say things in the the wrong order, say
the wrong things altogether. Light the wrong candles, narrowly avoid
setting fire to the giant flappy sleeved robe I'm asked to wear (I
mean, what genius came up with that eh?). But stake one is this –
there is no right way (except maybe the setting fire to yourself bit,
I'm pretty sure that isn't right...). The right way is an action done
with love, compassion, intelligence and integrity. Nothing else
really matters.
The
future is God-made not Church-made
Ordination
is not a one way street to stress, a job you complain constantly
about and never seeing your family again. That lifestyle is chosen,
no matter what anyone tells me. I've never taken the conventional
route. I've never been a slave to other people's expectations or what
I 'ought to do'. I'm on an adventure with God, that is what the life
of faith is to me. There are many roles and many ways of being in them and there
is one for me, as me.
Brighter,
bolder. More, more, more!
Quoting
my old pal St Iranaeus: 'The glory of God is a human fully alive'.
There is a feeling in what I've been taught in the last few weeks of
diminishing yourself. There is a call to always blend in despite the
major movements in the church being lead by those who did anything
but. I was told this term that if I wanted to 'advance' in the church
then I ought to wear black, to fit in with the 'boys' as it were.
But
the thing is God made me colourful. And if I see ministry at its
depth as a calling out to people to be fully alive, fully themselves
in all their glorious technicolour, then how can I model that in
black when I'd be wearing it to hide or advance? I must be colourful
too. And luckily for me I'm not really bothered about advancing I'm
bothered about being who God made me to be. Teen drama watching,
Christmas obsessed, glittery nail varnish wearing me.
'It's
not enough!'
There
is a character in Gossip Girl called Cyrus Rose who when he hugs
people holds on for the bit too long and when they try and pull away
says 'Not enough!' My husband jokes that I am a spiritual Cyrus Rose.
I have always had a deep hunger for the extraordinary. Having space
from college has helped me to see what is extraordinary and what is
just plain run of the mill. When I pray stuff happens. When I go to
church I expect God to be there. When I say words I mean them. I've
seen extraordinary stuff this term and that's what I want more of.
Because anything else, well, it's 'not enough'!
So
there we are. A few stakes in the ground. A wee manifesto for next
term. And now I'm off to paint my nails and watch the Vampire
Diaries. I am nothing if not consistent!!
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