The whole process of coming into training has been a suspension of control. Rather than being able to plan out where my life is going and set neat little markers up so I can see where everything is and the way ahead now I just live day by day. Sure, I have hopes and dreams and a vague sense of where it is all going but the particulars and details are all in the imagination of God and I'm just doing what he has laid out on the table before me right now. Each day is completely spontaneous and entirely dictated by other people, it is terrifying and liberating. Every week I am asked to do something utterly bizarre that nine times out of ten I'm not totally convinced I can do. But then I do it and it's ok and my confidence grows.
What
I'm learning is that if the future isn't meticulously planned out
then there is nowhere else to live but the present moment. There is
nothing but the opportunities that present themselves and then going for
it with laughter and enthusiasm.
This week I spent an hour colouring
talking about the merits of blue v.s purple hair with eight year
olds, an evening dancing to the most insanely cheesy music man has
every recorded to CD with a bunch of trainee vicars, mulled over the
ins and outs of divine wisdom, plumbed the depths of my understanding
of the mother heart of God and wore bright yellow shoes just for the
fun of it. I find myself grabbing moments, grabbing life by the shirt
collars, giving it a good shake and seeing what comes out.
As
the end of term two beckons I'm so glad to be here. To be
simultaneously discovering everything I want to be and landing firmly
on my backside realizing everything that I'm not. Being a total idiot
one moment and being more than I thought I could be the next. Knowing
everything and knowing nothing at all.
That sounds like perfect training for the real thing, which is just as varied and out of your control. :-)
ReplyDelete